2008 Jan 27th - Joining the Gym

I've had a busy few days lately and that includes joining the gym. I've got sixteen months for the price of 12 and no joining fees so I figure while I've got some money, why not! I need to get out of the house and get into some sort of routine and I desperately need to get strong again. My muscles have wasted away so badly that I could only manage four minutes on the bike for the fitness test and my legs were aching and wobbly most of the afternoon and evening and I was so tired after just that and a few sit ups! Mind you I did have a rotten head cold at the time.

My lung function and BMI are fine, needless to say my muscle strength and everything else is rotten including my body fat ratio. Still, not much point going if it's all good is there! At least I'll get to see how much I've improved in a few months.

I've got a few more appointments for February now:

6th Feb - scan to check there are no new tumours (small sentence, BIG DEAL)
11th Feb - pre op checks (assuming no new tumours discovered else the op is off)
19th Feb - appointment with surgeon for a "visual" check on the joins and j-pouch
22nd Feb - surgery and a very UNtearful farewell to PTW

In the meantime I'm filling my days with gym appointments. I had to do my program plan in two sessions because of my cold - I nearly passed out after 5 minutes on a sit down bike and 5 minutes on the rower. I was just stood on the cross trainer and oooer missus I got the shakes and hot and cold sweats and had to go for a sit down. I had drunk nearly half my litre bottle of water by this point too so it wasn't dehydration.

I finished the plan off today with the trainer and went through which weight machines I can use to start with and she showed me some floor exercises to do - some with a giant ball - which will also help to strengthen my abs and legs since these are the weakest areas after lying around for the last year. I felt much better today and did a few lengths in the pool and too Phoenix with me - he persuaded me to sit in the spa which was GREAT! Never been in one before but it was lovely and warm and my hands and feet were much less "fizzy".

Despite having been out on Saturday night with Team Ferrer et al. I felt pretty good and had a very healthy salad with smoked salmon and feta cheese.

Monday I've booked in for a relaxation/toning class (all classes are included in membership) and Thursday for aquarobics in the evening and I'll do the gym on Tuesday, Friday and Sunday. It's a good set up because you can book any of the classes up to five days in advance and don't have to go to the same ones at the same time or even day so less chance of getting bored or missing anything.

I've got four weeks before surgery and I want to do something constructive. This year is all going to be about getting BETTER. Last year was killing cancer, this year I'm recovering from it. Unfortunately that means returning to work but I'm hoping that will be easier if I'm fitter before I go back.

I talked to my boss on Friday to make sure that going back part time was an option (they have to try to accommodate me, it's the law) so that's all sorted. I managed to have a chat with most people I wanted to see, those who haven't left at least! I got a lovely pep talk from G***** and a hug (that was the best bit) who's had way too much cancer and death in his family already and told me back in the days before Tyson was discovered that "cancer is going to be scared sh*tless when it realises who it's up against, it'll give up". He also told me I'm the only woman he knows who has bigger balls than him...............ahem. I hope he meant metaphorically and that my bag wasn't just a bit too full!

I'm off to bed now at a reasonable hour for a change - must get up in plenty of time so I'm not late for class tomorrow.

2008 Jan 19th - New Year, New Surgery!

19 Jan 2008

Where did the last month go? Category: Life Blimey, I knew I'd not been posting much lately but it's nigh on a whole month ago! So........what's been happening. Well Christmas was.......how can I put this....painful. Emotional. Glad it's over. I stupidly expected that after the last couple of years this one was the one I deserved and that everyone would be happy and it would be great. WRONG. I'll never learn, always build it up to something that it can never be. New Year's Eve was better (see photos) but by 'eck did those tears make themseslves known come midnight. I got through Auld Lang Syne and that was it, flood gates opened. Yes I do hope I have a great year, but I know that there is no magic wand that gets waved at the stroke of midnight to wipe all the fear and worry and current family troubles away. I'm being a bit grumpy about it, actually the night was great. I was with people who cared about me and who I care about and I ate too much and drank even more, even managed to throw a few shapes on the dancefloor. This was despite the horrid painful feet and toes (yeah cheers for that chemo). I only managed one song at a time then had to sit down for two or three, but alcohol did numb it a fair bit. Good old G&T eh? So this year is the final stage of treatment, hopefully. Always with the hopefully, nothing is ever concrete is it? Last week I saw my life saving surgeon who said how much better I was looking and what a difference he could see in me (yeah finishing chemo, amazing what it does for you). He's on hols in March so it was either third week in March......or third week in Feb............no brainer! Surgery is now booked for 22nd February. I don't have to go in the night before and be stabbed to death or starved first, just roll up mid morning and then a short five day stay. He went through the usual risks involved and possible complications and that he may need to open up the whole ten inch wound again if there is scar tissue or adhesions but otherwise, just a two inch scar. I can't wait..........oh hang on........then I get so sit on the loo for hours at a time and my radiated butt already suffers when it's having a clear out of mucous from my colon. Lord knows what sort of pain I'm in for with diarrhoea. I've seen and felt the pain of macerated skin on my tummy (only yesterday in fact) with diarrhoea from my stoma. Eek. Still, means to an end and all that. I'm being spurred on by the upcoming joy of being able to wear anything I want and not worry about leaks all down my front. Faerie, I'm thinking visit to Mancland and a shopping frenzy, what do you reckon? At least I can "nappy up" down there and it's a bit less obvious than a swelling bag when I've eaten onions or been drinking anything fizzy. I'm doing pelvic floor excercises as I write. Less than five weeks to go now! I have a huge stock of skin barrier wipes which I'm hoping will make things a little more bearable. I saw my GP this week and got another type of anti-depressant to add to my rattling stock of drugs. I'm on SSRIs for depression and now tricyclics which he hopes will stop me feeling the pain of the nerve damage which HOPEFULLY (that bloody word again) will be cured by the Pyridoxine. Oh and I confessed he was right about the HRT, I'm doing great on it. I don't know if it's finishing chemo or the HRT or a combination of the two but my hair has gone from straw to soft and silky feeling again. I still have patches of what looks like cradle cap but I can live with that. The only problem being that when I scratch it, because the ends of my fingers are dead as dodos I scratch harder and make it bleed. I've discovered just how damaged my nether regions are by the evil radiation (I say evil, I know it shrunk the tumours and I know it may have prevented a recurrence but by god it's a price to pay). Again there is hope that it may improve, but no guarantees. I saw the Lone Ranger too, my 6 week post chemo check up. Discussed the nerve damage, yeah yeah, hopefully it will be gone, may take a year.........yadda yadda. I'm to have a CEA test (oh and FBC, Us and Es too obviously) every three months and see them for results every three months for the first year, then every six months...........til I get cancer again........doh I mean til I'm five years clear! I told him about the surgery and he was surprised no one has already arranged a scan (they don't really want me having surgery only to find out later I have more cancer and have to go through the whole sorry process again) so he's trying to rush one through in the next three weeks or so. Trying not to think about that. I've been pushing myself a bit too much I think, visiting friends and family all over the country.......well the furthest was Derby but it's a long way for me! I'm now laid up in bed feeling shattered with a thick foggy head, sore and glandy throat and aches and pains. Of course it could just be dehydration, my tongue is constantly cracked like a dry riverbed and I know I'm not drinking enough, I just forget now I'm busy flitting about here there and everywhere. So bed it is this weekend, no visits or visitors, just me and the Skittles curled up in bed (on the bed in his case on the proviso he does NOT wee on it again EVER). Has any one else fallen in to the "yeay chemo is over, lets try and do all the things we couldn't do the last six months all in a few days" trap? Yesterday I went, with Umpa, to have a tour of the local gym with a view to joining for some kind of social life and for me to build up my fitness again, before and after surgery. I was knackered, my throat was sore, I ached and felt lousy but pushed myself (and the poor Umpa) to visit DIY stores YET again to look at lighting for the living room and then went back later to buy some. Why? I've not even got the living room ceiling paper off yet, it's months away from being ready for the lights to be changed but because I CAN I wanted to do it. I'd have been so much better off in bed, resting. Better late than never, I'm off for a snooze now, nanight xxxx

2007 Octo 14th - Chemo & CID

Sunday, October 14, 2007

All aboard the good ship chemo....and MORE C.I.bloody D Category: Life This flipping GCSF malarkey is good but it's damn painful. Cancer Vixen was right, it really does feel like you've been injected with cement which slowly goes off. This time as well as the heavy pounding nauseating skull, neck, spine pain and rib pains (they are much milder this time round) I've got parasthesia.........I think that's right.....anyway it's prickling skin. I say prickling skin, it's like saying "chemo is a little unpleasant". Randomly, with no warning my entire back from shoulders to pelvis it feels as though I'm being whipped with stinging nettles. I have the deep muscle flu like symptoms too, but then I STILL have a flipping cold so it's hard to tell what condition or treatment is causing which symptom. Obviously it came as a bit of a shock to get a phone call from the Job Centre asking me to attend a work related interview..........WTF? I asked how easy she thought it would be to find me a job bearing in mind I have to to to hospital at least twice a week, have three injections every fortnight, be too ill to shower, walk, drive for a few days every fortnight etc......oh and about to face surgery in three months which could take two months recovery. She said she didn't know about the cancer, just that I had been awarded Incapacity Benefit. I then reminded her I have a job........would my employer not be a little upset if I went for other jobs whilst their insurance is giving me private surgical treatment and half pay? Perhaps they could help me with training needs, she suggested, but I must attend an interview, although she'd talk to her boss. Training needs? Train me to do WHAT exactly? Work well and gain bonuses and good pay rises every year for the last 7 years? Doh I did that all on my own ta very much. I got a 20 page booklet to complete regarding the details of my "incapacity". For the love of small children, how many times do my GP, surgeon and oncologist have to tell people "I HAD BLOODY CANCER UP MY ARSE AND I'M TRYING TO KILL IT OFF FOR GOOD, EXCUSE ME WHILE I TRY NOT TO DIE OF FRUSTRATION". That feels a bit better. Katy came over to see me on Thursday and we both realised since redundancy and ill health have kept us from the office, we don't miss it one jot. The people - yes, work NO. Even the lack of free copies of Heat, Closer and Grazia aren't enough to make me wish I was there (good job I kept that snippet of gossip from the job centre woman eh?). She offered to do my ironing (too ashamed of the mountain to take her up on that offer) but ended up emptying the rank kitten and rabbit litter trays. At least she has a cat at home! I did wave the hoover round the carpet and provide a comedy lunch consisting of toast, parma ham, cheese and a side order of 15p Aldi instant noodles. Has it really come to this? Gone are the days, albeit temporarily, that I whip up a tasty salad with herbs from the garden drizzled with balsamic vinegar and chilli oil. It's all hands on deck, eat whatever you can find that is palatable! Friday afternoon I fell asleep on the sofa under a blanket for an hour waiting for Pobster to arrive to prepare culinary delights and deliver a shipment of "sex chocolate" from Donna (fab tattoos, lovely slip of a girl who gave me Skittles). It was daylight when I lay down (a few hours after nursey stabbed me with GCSF), pitch black when the doorbell rang. I was, once again an appalling host. He brings the food, prepares the food, cooks the food and generally I eat at least half the food. This time I had a child's portion and had a proper one in the fridge to eat on Saturday. Saturday the nurse arrived before 10. I awoke to the phone asking for directions....ridiculously my road is a few yards from one called exactly the same but with an 's' on the end. Even more hilariously there is another house down my road with exactly the same name....what kind of halfwit councillor signed that off? After going back to bed for all of 10 minutes the doorbell went again and I heard the world's worst detective tell my 12 year old son he wanted to talk to me about the whereabouts of S**** W*****. The one who buggered off to join the Foreign Legion, remember him? See blog somtime in January I think...... I came downstairs looking seriously pissed off (I was) and he asked if I remembered him. Yes I said and I told you then I want nothing to do with him, he doesn't live her, I don't know where he is, I don't care. He reckoned I refused to talk to him last time..........erm no I didn't I divulged a couple of facts ACTUALLY and answered approximately TEN questions AND reminded him I had bloody cancer and am still having treatment an DO NOT NEED STRESS. My neutraphils can't cope with it. I also told him off for not showing me his ID card when I answered the door. He was chuntering about showing it last time...........as he shuffled off to his car, whingey whiner. I went back to bed only coming down for Pob's "meals on wheels" and the odd drink........and toilet visit.........and more tissues to blow my nose. It was a very tiring day. Sunday, more of the same, evil jab in the morning, nice chat with nursey. Offered me more help aroud the house, shopping etc through the local hospice. I told her, I know I may be foolish but I can't help thinking that I can cope and there are so many people worse off, that I like to think I'll forfeit my share for one of those. I can't even let my friends do my ironing for heaven's sake! I never accepted a home help when I qualified through ill health 11 years ago. Mind you I was made to be independent and learned from an early age that if you want anything doing, you have to do it yourself an it's a hard lesson to shake off. I have won a few poker tournaments..........I say won, I came second and third more than once and won prize chips! Woohoo! I need to get off this sofa and this borrowed laptop (oh yeah mine broke weeks ago and they STILL haven't collected it to fix) and go to bed but I can't really be bothered with the nauseating pains I get 22:20 - 5 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

	Peter	I'm sorry you're feeling so bloody and there's nothing I can do to help. Posted by Peter on Monday, October 15, 2007 at 12:27 [Remove] [Reply to this]

	Billy Bollockchops	It was fab to see you as always :-) xxxxxxxx Posted by Billy Bollockchops on Monday, October 15, 2007 at 23:21 [Remove] [Reply to this]

	Caroline	Hmmm - JCPlus - back to work interviews! LOL - just love it - had the same prob back in June and July! I had to do by telephone! After that they sent me a whole booklet form to complete on health questions! They offered me training too t0- help get me back to work! Jesus - do they really think we need their help! No I don't and nor do you Lisa! Cos the of Incapacity Benefit they have to do this tho, but its a complete waste of our time! Sorry your suffering so much with side effects and everything - totally relate to what your going through! Just take it easy babes and rest as much as you need too! Other things happening too and you sure can do with them! It'as enough to deal with this proxy cancer! Thinking of you each day and all our other bandits too. Take care Caz x Posted by Caroline on Monday, October 15, 2007 at 23:29 [Remove] [Reply to this]

	Bad Fish	Oh, sweetie- you have my complete sympathy. Since my chemo finished (unlike Alan Bennett I think I know it well enough to shorten it's name) I've felt as bad as I did whilst having it, and boy, that's pretty crap! Someone said to me last week "You look really well - I wouldn't have known you've been ill". Well, they may have meant it as a compliment, but believe me, I didn't always have a fat head and hair like a newly hatched chick. I still look in the mirror and wonder who the tub of lard is. Posted by Bad Fish on Monday, October 29, 2007 at 00:17 [Remove] [Reply to this]

Lisa Left Eye Loopylalalalala

I try to avoid mirrors at all costs, the life appears to have drained from any muscles I had and it's not so much lard as dripping... i.e. much sloppier, especially my thighs. Send us a pic of your chick hair love, I could have knitted myself a wig with the hairs that have fallen out so far! Posted by Lisa Left Eye Loopylalalalala on Monday, October 29, 2007 at 15:51

2007 Sep 25th - Families and Bullying

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

My space - is EXACTLY that - mine and I can do whatever I want. Category: Blogging I made my profile private due to repeated hate mail from a pathetic young man who seems to think it's big and clever to victimise a disabled cancer patient who doesn't know how long they have left to live and will spend the next three to five years waiting for the all too likely recurrence. Apparently for someone who has lost a grandparent (i.e. someone who has lived long enough to actually see their kids grow up AND their grandchildren, something I may not get to do) it is perfectly reasonable to behave in thie way according to his father and my mother. Apparently I have caused all my hurt over the last 30 odd years, myself. So has my sister caused hers. Apparently I deserve the name calling. Apparently I have an "agenda". Here is my agenda: 1. - ignore people who want to hurt me and cause more stress and perpetuate neutropenia 2. - get well enough to have the dreaded last four chemo sessions 3. - recover from chemo sufficiently and hope that the other problems I've been having will not prevent my reversal going ahead. 4. - have a successful reversal with as much quality of life as can be expected having lost so much of my insides 5. - return to work (not full time) 6. - spend as much time as possible with my children 7. - spend as much time as possible staying in touch with friends and family, especially those in Derbyshire who have been such a great support. 8. - NOT get a recurrence in my liver, lungs, bones or brain EVER. 9. - have the ability to get through the next 5 years without panic attacks of thinking another tumour is making itself known at the slightest twinge. 10. - carry on writing about my cancer experience in the hope that it helps more people realise they are not alone, that problems can be over come and it is worth fighting for your life. I didn't want them reading and misquoting or misinterpreting or in fact generally missing the entire point of anything I write, much worse being vain enough to assume everything revolves around them. "You're so vain, you probably think this blog is about you.........". I also don't see why my mother should be able to read about my lack of good health if she can't be bothered to respond to my last message, phone (mobile or house), text, write or email, let alone a visit to sort out the hurt she has caused. However my main aim with myspace was to spread the word about colorectal cancer, especially in those of us unfortunate to suffer at such a young age with young children. Due to many requests from people who want to read about my progress, who use my blogs for information and support for others with colorectal cancer I have therefore made my profile public again and blocked the people who I have no wish to communicate with. I do not have to put up with bullying or lies any more. I spent my life doing that, I'm going to enjoy the rest of my years, however short or long surrounding myself with the people who have known me and who love me. I have some very good friends, some of whom I've known for 25 years, though due to not being allowed friends to visit me at home or even allowed to telephone they never met my parents/step-parents until the last year. I spent any time I could at weekends with these friends and was welcomed into their family homes where I at least learned what a healthy loving family looked like. If it hadn't been for these families I don't think I would have managed to bring up two lovely children who are well mannered, loving and most importantly normal - in that they are not ruled by fear. Nor would I have realised that sharing custody of my children with their father was the best thing for them (though certainly not for me) when we split up. All through the pain of growing up knowing things that happened to me were wrong, my friends were there for me, their parents were there for me. Mine weren't. I'd like to say thank you to the people concerned, especially those who I know will be reading this. Thank you for getting me through the really tough times so I could be here today and giving me the will to fight to be here tomorrow. 15:52 - 15 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

	Peter	Thinking of you. Sorry it's the best I can do, Peter Posted by Peter on Tuesday, September 25, 2007 at 21:37 [Remove] [Reply to this]

	Lisa Left Eye Loopylalalalala	thanks cyber uncle Peter! Posted by Lisa Left Eye Loopylalalalala on Wednesday, September 26, 2007 at 16:42 [Remove] [Reply to this]

	carol	I'm so sorry that you've had to deal with all that crap on top of everything else. I don't pretend to know all the ins and outs of your family relationships but I do know that the most important thing right at this moment is that you get well for your and your children's sake. Take comfort in their love, congratulate yourself daily that YOU have managed to make them into the wonderful children they are and in those moments of despair when you look at your children and wonder how your own mother could treat you this way, remember that there are a lot of people who do care, even relative strangers like me, who wish you a speedy and PERMANENT recovery. Keep that fighting spirit going and get those neutra-whatsits multiplying! Posted by carol on Tuesday, September 25, 2007 at 21:38 [Remove] [Reply to this]

	Lisa Left Eye Loopylalalalala	Thank you Carol, I had a particularly bad couple of days but now we're just concentrating on a fantastic weekend this weekend - me, sis and the kids! Not sure who's most excited out of the six of us! Posted by Lisa Left Eye Loopylalalalala on Wednesday, September 26, 2007 at 16:44 [Remove] [Reply to this]

	Mandy	You go girl! You're doing fabulously, keep it up even in the face of adversity. Big hugs x Posted by Mandy on Tuesday, September 25, 2007 at 23:27 [Remove] [Reply to this]

	Lisa Left Eye Loopylalalalala	Hugs back to you Mandy, we'll get there in the end. x Posted by Lisa Left Eye Loopylalalalala on Wednesday, September 26, 2007 at 16:45 [Remove] [Reply to this]

	Pamela	Glad you're making your profile public again. I've read all your blogs, blinking back the tears, but this one broke me. You don't need, and certainly don't deserve any of this negative stuff. Like Carol said, there are a LOT of people who DO care. Keep up the fight. xxxxxx Posted by Pamela on Tuesday, September 25, 2007 at 23:27 [Remove] [Reply to this]

	Lisa Left Eye Loopylalalalala	Sorry Pam, I think I've just become numb to it all now and it doesn't make me cry so much, hope you had enough tissues :o( Having a much better day today though in a lot of pain from the neutra thingy wotsit maker injections - oof. Posted by Lisa Left Eye Loopylalalalala on Wednesday, September 26, 2007 at 16:46 [Remove] [Reply to this]

	Hayley	Ok, I know I'm pregnant but that blog would have made me cry anyway. For 25 years I have been very proud to be your friend and I love you very much and I know you dont deserve any of this crap, particularly from your so-called mother. I wonder why she thinks she wasnt at your wedding way back when, that's when I met Umpa and some of your other relatives. Funny how I just accepted her abscence from your life during our formative years, you never referred to her or your "home" but I was always happy that you spent time with me at mine. Considering everything that has happened to you - from your childhood abuse to losing your babies and now, this bastard cancer - You've got to be an amazingly strong person. More than that, you are one of the few people I know I can rely on and who I'd trust to fight Elizabeth's corner if I wasnt around. Words I would use to describe you are loyal, honest, sincere, brave, funny, clever, loving, - I dont recognise the person that is referred to by your mother or her new family and frankly, they dont deserve you. By the way, you missed 1 item off the agenda - come to France and have a gin night with me! Posted by Hayley on Wednesday, September 26, 2007 at 16:28 [Remove] [Reply to this]

	Lisa Left Eye Loopylalalalala	Again sorry for inducing tears. Funny thing is she WAS at my wedding, but told me before hand she would only be at the service (10 whole mins of their time) and wasn't coming back to the house. Then she told people Jack had a migraine and couldn't come back to the house. They knew she was lying since I'd already told everyone! I didn't have a home until I met the kids dad, but I've had one ever since and my kids, my nieces and nephew and Biz/Tarzan will also always have a home here if needed. Gin party is a given, doesn't need to be on the agenda! Posted by Lisa Left Eye Loopylalalalala on Wednesday, September 26, 2007 at 16:49 [Remove] [Reply to this]

	Hayley	Finally, i have found the perfect gift for you - they sell a most disgusting sausage here and i've never known what its made of.....until now: Andouille Sausage = chitterings or the lining of the rectum!!!!! Do you want me to send one over? Maybe you could give it to Dr Tom??? Posted by Hayley on Friday, September 28, 2007 at 10:48 [Remove] [Reply to this]

	Lisa Left Eye Loopylalalalala	I feel awful sick Dr Tom.........I think it's myspace comments that are doing it! Posted by Lisa Left Eye Loopylalalalala on Friday, October 05, 2007 at 18:30 [Remove] [Reply to this]

	Bad Fish	Hey sweetheart, I still love you! Posted by Bad Fish on Friday, October 05, 2007 at 18:08 [Remove] [Reply to this]

Lisa Left Eye Loopylalalalala

And I love me too, I mean you (hehe) even if I am jealous that you appear to look younger than me. Harumpf. Posted by Lisa Left Eye Loopylalalalala on Friday, October 05, 2007 at 18:31