2008 Apr 4th - Insurance.........or lack of!

I'm pleased to say I've started going back to the gym again. I went nearly two weeks ago on Tuesday 25th March, just a month after my operation, just to do some cardio and a couple of resistance exercises on equipment not to mention a few squats. I went again on the Saturday and then this week on Wednesday when I pulled out all the stops and did quite a few more exercises, especially on my blancmange thighs. I didn't walk well before, but my legs have definitely been protesting the last two days! Still I might drag myself back there tonight because I had a month off and I am on a mission to speed up my general recovery.

My feet are much, much worse and I really do think I might have permanent damage now. The areas of pain are increasing and I can't even stretch my legs without feeling like something is tearing or burning inside my heels and the sides of my feet or my right big toe! That's just not right is it? Thinking about it, things took a turn for the worse when I saw Dr Tom the oncologist just before surgery and he said not to bother with the Pyridoxine (B6) any more as it was only useful whilst ON chemotherapy. So was it just coincidence that when I stopped taking it things went downhill? Hmm. Poking about reading experiences from other sufferers I'm not sure so I've started taking them again, having just got a prescription filled when I stopped. I'll give it a couple of weeks and then I'm seeing Tom again so hopefully I'll have more news.

I can't remember if I mentioned in my last post that I'll be having my "1 year post op" scan at the beginning of June (ish) at which point I might finally be able to get the champagne out and celebrate being in remission or NED (no evidence of disease). Those damn spots on my liver are still a cloud hanging over me dangling the threat of Stage 4 (no stage 5 remember). At what point can I actually start getting on with my life? If the scan shows no more spots it means they were chemo damage and my liver has healed itself, if not, well I can't really be bothered to contemplate the options too much, more surgery, more chemo, radio frequency ablation?

Don't get me wrong, it's not really worrying me. There's no point worrying, it won't change anything and if all is well I'll have stressed my mind and body out for another few months for no reason at all! That's just silly! So as Angela once said: "I refuse to get excited until I know there is actually a problem". Good advice there.

Speaking of Angela, we braved the bright lights of Boston town on Saturday after I had been to the gym, dismantled a high sleeper bed and constructed a single bed to replace it...........(yeah wonder woman, that's me). Three glasses of wine, chips and mayo, a cab ride home and a chocolate eclair (bought from the kebab shop no less!) later.................I discovered red wine and my new internal system do not agree. I was up with diarrhoea a couple of hours after going to bed, the likes of which I hadn't really experienced since Tyson was still in residence.

Just in case it wasn't the wine, I had two glasses last night. It was the wine.

Onto the title of this post......insurance.

I got a letter in the post today with a copy of my anaesthetist's bill for £165 as a private patient telling me that my private health insurance cover (provided by my employer) expired on 31st January 2008. Remember the advice on not getting excited until you know there is a problem? I'm pleased to say I sat down and thought about it calmly before ringing work's HR department who rang our benefits department immediately. I wasn't in a panic because I rang the helpline in February to check I was covered for my ileostomy reversal and they said yes! After they refused to pay for the creation of my J-pouch I wasn't risking anything. Luckily it turns out our policies were transferred to BUPA so I am in fact still covered. I guess it's all part of the buy out of the company and major shareholder that took place around the same time.

Oh and more news - I'm going back to work on 23rd April. EEK!

I'm going to try three days that week and then do a couple of days a week after that to start with and see how I go from there. I am questioning the sense behind an early return, not because of my energy levels, but because the weather is improving and I could actually spend some time in the garden this year without being in pain or attached to chemicals or just feeling too damn ill. I need to get amongst people though. I have been holed up in this house for 13 months now and I'm going a bit stir crazy. Getting out to the gym is good, there are at least real people there even if I only know two or three to talk to, it makes me feel a little more like I'm part of society and not some imperfect outcast.

I'm going to treat myself now and watch Loose Women with a mug of something hot before I go and do some shopping (nice shopping, not groceries). I want some pretty things for my bedroom now it's decorated (just one wall of skirting and a small hole to fill and I'm done. I want a new pole, curtains and mirror and maybe something decorative on the walls. I might even post some before and after photos at some point...........oh god the before picture is horrid, it's going to make anything I've done look marvelous, sorry anything MIKE did.

2008 Mar 13th - Progress Update

Tomorrow will be three weeks since Mr A chopped of my PTW and threw him away!

I've been home for ten days now and for 9 of those have progressed from liquid waste to solid waste, albeit I never pass anything larger than my thumb. I just have to pass about twenty of them to empty! That's on a good clear out visit to the loo - I'm getting better at having a couple of those a day and then the odd mini clear out when I go for a wee if I feel the urge.

I'd say I'm getting down to about 5 times a day now, but the most was really 7 or 8 once my colon remembered what it's bloody job was! My main problem is the pain. Every time some air tries to escape I'm rooted to the spot clinging to the nearest grabbable object or I lie on the bed or sofa. Initially when I go to the loo it hurts too. It's the same passing broke glass pain I had during those months of radiation and waiting for surgery last year. To be fair it's not as bad because. like I said I'm only passing things the size of my thumb. The radiation damage, I'm guessing, isn't going to get any better. I have read that some people are given anal dilators as well as vaginal dilators after low pelvic radiation because of the massive shrinking that occurs. The thought of my surgeon doing further digital examinations makes me cry so it's going take a bloody good case to convince me that dilating my burned, shrunk, chopped up arse is a good idea.

It might be just inflammation and maybe I can get something for it. I'm just putting off calling my colorectal nurse until next week in case it means a physical examination. The pain isn't constant, but it's pretty frequent. It keeps me awake at night until I give in, get up and try and pass more air and stools. I suppose I should stop eating earlier in the evening? There is a constant dull throb which has been present for about the last 13 months where the "action" was for radiation and surgery.

My little wound where PTW was is healing very well. I've got the oddest shaped abdomen ever! There are lumps and bumps and dents all over the place. I am quite pleased to report that I have in fact lost some weight again! Becky insisted I looked a lot thinner after about a week on drip only diet - to be expected I guess but my scales said otherwise, until today! Also after I checked what I did weigh before I went in (which in my head I'd reduced but had written down somewhere else as evidence of my poor diet) ............and I've lost 9 pounds! Ooer! I hope it's fat off my thighs and not any of the muscle I managed to build up at the gym.

As you can probably make out, there is still some yellow bruising to the centre of my belly and I do still feel some tightness when I turn over in bed. The majority of the scab has gone but I think it'll be another couple of weeks before there is delicate new skin and no scabs. I'm patting some Bio Oil in when I remember in the hope that it doesn't cause me any trouble when I get back into wearing my jeans on a regular basis - I'm still wearing low rise joggers and big t-shirts (for decorating also) to avoid putting any unnecessary pressure on the scar.

If those of you who still have a rectum, or managed to escape radiation have a reversal coming up then I can say I would recommend going for reversal. I had an awful time in hospital, I really did think I'd be heading back to theatre for a permanent colostomy or ileostomy if my colon refused to work, I was scared of food and the future yet again. I'm still holding in the back of my mind the thought that I've got another liver scan coming up in a month or two because they're being cautious over the "chemo damage" streaks and want to make sure that's exactly what it is.

Still, even with the pain, which I'm sure can be reduced by some treatment, if not eradicated completely, I think I'd rather have this and have the chance to wear what I want again. On a more positive note the pain in my butt does take my attention away from the stabbing shooting pains in my feet and the horrible, shudder inducing numbness and soreness that is peripheral neuropathy. I had thought I'd be handing my blue badge back sometime soon, but my feet are so sore and painful I'm keeping it.

2008 Jan 19th - New Year, New Surgery!

19 Jan 2008

Where did the last month go? Category: Life Blimey, I knew I'd not been posting much lately but it's nigh on a whole month ago! So........what's been happening. Well Christmas was.......how can I put this....painful. Emotional. Glad it's over. I stupidly expected that after the last couple of years this one was the one I deserved and that everyone would be happy and it would be great. WRONG. I'll never learn, always build it up to something that it can never be. New Year's Eve was better (see photos) but by 'eck did those tears make themseslves known come midnight. I got through Auld Lang Syne and that was it, flood gates opened. Yes I do hope I have a great year, but I know that there is no magic wand that gets waved at the stroke of midnight to wipe all the fear and worry and current family troubles away. I'm being a bit grumpy about it, actually the night was great. I was with people who cared about me and who I care about and I ate too much and drank even more, even managed to throw a few shapes on the dancefloor. This was despite the horrid painful feet and toes (yeah cheers for that chemo). I only managed one song at a time then had to sit down for two or three, but alcohol did numb it a fair bit. Good old G&T eh? So this year is the final stage of treatment, hopefully. Always with the hopefully, nothing is ever concrete is it? Last week I saw my life saving surgeon who said how much better I was looking and what a difference he could see in me (yeah finishing chemo, amazing what it does for you). He's on hols in March so it was either third week in March......or third week in Feb............no brainer! Surgery is now booked for 22nd February. I don't have to go in the night before and be stabbed to death or starved first, just roll up mid morning and then a short five day stay. He went through the usual risks involved and possible complications and that he may need to open up the whole ten inch wound again if there is scar tissue or adhesions but otherwise, just a two inch scar. I can't wait..........oh hang on........then I get so sit on the loo for hours at a time and my radiated butt already suffers when it's having a clear out of mucous from my colon. Lord knows what sort of pain I'm in for with diarrhoea. I've seen and felt the pain of macerated skin on my tummy (only yesterday in fact) with diarrhoea from my stoma. Eek. Still, means to an end and all that. I'm being spurred on by the upcoming joy of being able to wear anything I want and not worry about leaks all down my front. Faerie, I'm thinking visit to Mancland and a shopping frenzy, what do you reckon? At least I can "nappy up" down there and it's a bit less obvious than a swelling bag when I've eaten onions or been drinking anything fizzy. I'm doing pelvic floor excercises as I write. Less than five weeks to go now! I have a huge stock of skin barrier wipes which I'm hoping will make things a little more bearable. I saw my GP this week and got another type of anti-depressant to add to my rattling stock of drugs. I'm on SSRIs for depression and now tricyclics which he hopes will stop me feeling the pain of the nerve damage which HOPEFULLY (that bloody word again) will be cured by the Pyridoxine. Oh and I confessed he was right about the HRT, I'm doing great on it. I don't know if it's finishing chemo or the HRT or a combination of the two but my hair has gone from straw to soft and silky feeling again. I still have patches of what looks like cradle cap but I can live with that. The only problem being that when I scratch it, because the ends of my fingers are dead as dodos I scratch harder and make it bleed. I've discovered just how damaged my nether regions are by the evil radiation (I say evil, I know it shrunk the tumours and I know it may have prevented a recurrence but by god it's a price to pay). Again there is hope that it may improve, but no guarantees. I saw the Lone Ranger too, my 6 week post chemo check up. Discussed the nerve damage, yeah yeah, hopefully it will be gone, may take a year.........yadda yadda. I'm to have a CEA test (oh and FBC, Us and Es too obviously) every three months and see them for results every three months for the first year, then every six months...........til I get cancer again........doh I mean til I'm five years clear! I told him about the surgery and he was surprised no one has already arranged a scan (they don't really want me having surgery only to find out later I have more cancer and have to go through the whole sorry process again) so he's trying to rush one through in the next three weeks or so. Trying not to think about that. I've been pushing myself a bit too much I think, visiting friends and family all over the country.......well the furthest was Derby but it's a long way for me! I'm now laid up in bed feeling shattered with a thick foggy head, sore and glandy throat and aches and pains. Of course it could just be dehydration, my tongue is constantly cracked like a dry riverbed and I know I'm not drinking enough, I just forget now I'm busy flitting about here there and everywhere. So bed it is this weekend, no visits or visitors, just me and the Skittles curled up in bed (on the bed in his case on the proviso he does NOT wee on it again EVER). Has any one else fallen in to the "yeay chemo is over, lets try and do all the things we couldn't do the last six months all in a few days" trap? Yesterday I went, with Umpa, to have a tour of the local gym with a view to joining for some kind of social life and for me to build up my fitness again, before and after surgery. I was knackered, my throat was sore, I ached and felt lousy but pushed myself (and the poor Umpa) to visit DIY stores YET again to look at lighting for the living room and then went back later to buy some. Why? I've not even got the living room ceiling paper off yet, it's months away from being ready for the lights to be changed but because I CAN I wanted to do it. I'd have been so much better off in bed, resting. Better late than never, I'm off for a snooze now, nanight xxxx

2007 Oct 8th - Well Enough To Be Poisoned!

Monday, October 08, 2007

Yeay! I’m well enough to be poisoned at last. Mmm chemo...mmm GCSF! Category: Life Well I was supposed to blog about Center Parcs but I've felt too rough to string a decent sentence together with my latest illness. Suffice to say we had a great time, very excited when we started seeing signs for Sherwood Forest and were doing little dances and punching the air (and waving to the other car). The swings were ACE, we felt obliged to send the kids off swimming for two hours "really, can we really stay for two hours mum? " whilst we tested all the park areas out. After the good news about my (fairly short lived) high of a score of 7 neutraphils I decided to ignore feeling tired and enjoy the fresh air. We did a lot of walking, maybe a little too much but still even being physically drained I struggled to sleep, thoughts churning round in my head as usual. We all had an ensuite bathroom in each of the three bedrooms - the boys even had a spa bath! The sauna didn't get used, but the oven, hob, dishwasher and shopping the Foundation delivered did! Friday night we all sat down for an italian, being of small appetite these days I only had a pizza and forced down an amaretto liqueur coffee, as did Bex. The kids all enjoyed their meals and it all tasted scrumptious! Saturday was facial day, soccer school for Luke and zip wire for Phin. The girls went to a cartoon workshop for a couple of hours. They all went swimming in the afternoon whilst we entertained our very special guest (who came armed with lovely presents!). Sunday the sore throat I had hoped was dehydration all weekend proved to be my worst day, but Pilates was excellent! We both want to take it up if funds allow since it's good for core strength and is OK for me to do with the ileostomy - in fact it's very good to help avoid hernias. More soccer school, wall climbing (I have Phin's exploits on camera) and a virtual fashion session for the girls who designed their own t-shirts. I got a bit crabby with the kids because I felt so rotten, but I think I got away with it and didn't upset anyone for long? We had a carvery which wasn't that great to be honest, the veg was very undercooked and maybe it was my cold but it was a bit of a let down - still the second bottle of fizzy booze Umpa packed and the chocolate for grown ups soon made up for that hehe. Monday was 3 steps to heaven day - back massage (and boy did everything ache and feel "glandy" by Monday) and scrub, facial, head massage. I'm not sure how I'd have driven home if I hadn't had that hour of indulgence - but when I did get home I went straight to bed and slept for two hours. Glad to be home but it was very quiet with three people missing. Tuesday - as you know was reject from chemo due to my sore throat and germs. Fast forward to today (lets just say retail therapy was necessary this weekend - including new bedding which is VERY pretty but also very expensive looking, yet not too girly). 11.30 appointment (oops hang on that means sis can't take me so I'm on my own with back up collection after she finishes work) and arrived only 5 minutes late. I managed to wave some eyeliner at my eyes but it didn't make them look any less red raw. Thankfully although I was still sounding a bit like a Tunes advert "secud clath rethurn thoo dothingham pleathe", my neutraphils were still holding out a 3.9, now my red cells are dropping a bit so keeping an eye on that.........I see a blood transfusion on the horizon, platelets however got a nice boost after the GCSF injections. I sat in the corner near one of my chemo mates who was very happy (never had bad blood results EVER) being connected to his 12th and final pump. Hopefully they will no be able to operate on his metastases in his liver and maybe remove the primary bowel cancer (he's stage 4). When they left, he and his wife both gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek and we wished each other well. I'm planning on making him an "I've been a good patient and finished all my nasty chemo" laminated badge tomorrow! In fact I'm going to make a few in case anyone else finishes while I'm still attending. He's going to sneak some vodka or gin in with my glucose IV on Wednesday when we go to be disconnected from our pumps - only three more to go after this one YEEHAH! Lisa (now at last promoted to sister) gave me my blood results to fill in the gaps in my chemo record book just in case I fall down in a faint or something and a stranger finds me or summat........... I'll be doing a little chart of my results because it's been a while since I did anything like analysis (try over 6 months) and I'm getting withdrawl symptoms from being a geek. I'm going to miss that ward. I shall be sooo happy not to need to go again (please please no recurrence needing crappy chemo ever) but they're like my cancer family in there. I rarely feel miserable in there because it's a place of hope. I still remember the tears when I finished chemo and radiation at Lincoln earlier this year - it was very emotional, not least because I knew I would never see John again. He didn't have long left, but you'd never know it to talk to him. Anyway...I even managed a shuffle round Aldi with the aid of a trolley to get some essential lunchbox items for the kids and some handy instant food for me this week. Already the spazzy hands have shown themselves, but in no way as bad as the first three cycles on full dosage. I think the B6 is helping with that too. I ate bacon, toast, fried tomatoes and some of aunty Susan's spiced plum chutney for lunch followed by a mouth numbing tirarmisu from the fridge (yep chemo mouth freeze strikes again). I feel very achey today, very glandy so can't really tell I'm on chemo because of the cold virus - a bonus in my eyes! Poor sis has it too - oops. So the diary for this week - Tuesday - Pobster cooking me dinner again or fetching a take out so we can wii to our hearts content, delivery permitting! Wednesday - hospital for disconnection Thursday - visit from Katy Friday - visit from district nurse for jab 1 of GCSF Saturday - visit from district nurse for jab 2 of GCSF Sunday - visit from district nurse for jab 3 of GCSF Phew thank heavens I'm incapacitated - I don't have time for work. P S - forgot to mention there is more green stuff weeping from my PICC site so this time I got swabbed for MRSA.......I know that's what the swab was because they shoved the black covered giant q-tip up my nose on admission prior to surgery! 18:57 - 4 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

	Billy Bollockchops	The Center Parcs pics are brilliant! My Wii is in the van apparently and I'm at home waiting for it. I hope it comes before I go out to meet Brek Abitochoklitov for lunch. PS: I'm still not sure what I'm making tonight :-.. Posted by Billy Bollockchops on Wednesday, October 10, 2007 at 11:10 [Remove] [Reply to this]

	Umpalumpa	*sneezes very loudly* Cor blimey, you are a busy bee. Would there be a slot in your diary perhaps for a yummy chai latte and grown ups chocolate with no less than 85% cocoa solids mmmmm? Hope the chemo mouth/fingers/legs are not giving you too much grief. xxxxxx xxxx xx x *sneezes even louder* Posted by Umpalumpa on Wednesday, October 10, 2007 at 11:10 [Remove] [Reply to this]

	janey jane jane	Ask Pob where he got his Wii from. I can't get one for love nor money over here. Tar lovey xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Posted by janey jane jane on Monday, October 15, 2007 at 23:22 [Remove] [Reply to this]

Lisa Left Eye Loopylalalalala

I think you'll find it was I who solved this problem for him hahaaha! I am a total genius, he was traipsing round shops and I surfed the net. I'll message you privately because I want one and I think I know someone else ..........so we could combine postage maybe? Posted by Lisa Left Eye Loopylalalalala on Monday, October 15, 2007 at 23:33

2007 Sep 1st - I Can't Do Chemo Any More

01 Sep 2007

Chemo Schmemo (robbed that from Faerie) and the Lone Ranger Category: Life Friday I managed, quite how I do not know, to shower and change and arrive at hospital only five minutes late. I used my blue badge for the very first time and felt obliged to walk slowly to the outpatients entrance in case anyone thought I was a fraudulent user. To be fair I was so wibbly and weak it wasn't too hard. It's been so long since I attended oncology clinic - usually see people in the chemo suite on the other side of the site - that I had to ask TWICE for directions. I was waiting about an hour, which I didn't mind because unlike some of the other whiny patients I know that if I need more than my alloted 8 minute slot that I'll get it. Why are patients so bloody impatient? It's a bloody cancer clinic for god's sake - do they want to be rushed through themselves with no time to ask questions or express fears or be consoled? Evidently work is more important to some of them - more fool them I say, you can't work when you're dead. Dr Tom was off this week so I saw the Lone Ranger, who I really like anyway, he's funny and incredibly handy with half a metre of catheter when you need him to be. He had a nurse with him taking notes (always reassuring) and I told him "I don't think I can do any more chemo , I'm really worried about permanent nerve damage and if that happens, I think I can cope with leg problems more than losing the use of my hands. I need to work after all this and if I can't type I'll be distraught (not to mention unable to blog)." My main concern is, if I got nerve damage whilst the drug was first being administered I'm bound to get some permanent problems, a lot of people don't get leg trouble until the end of the 12 sessions. I mentioned a few of the side effects and he agreed that although they think the chemo is the best option because the cancer was still there in one of my nodes, they don't want to do it at the expense of my quality of life. Usually they'd drop the Oxali (the evil one) and keep me on the 5FU pump but since I've had so much 5FU for 35 days continuously they don't want to do that. If it didn't kill the cancer then it's unlikely to do so now if there are any micro mets (undetectable tumours elsewhere). So as I hoped he rang through to pharmacy there and then to request my prescription for Monday so he could reduce the dose. He's going to check with Tom that he agrees this is the best approach. They may just change the regime I'm on to the more favoured drugs in the US. But discontinuing isn't anyone's preferred option. He also prescribed a drug to help with side effects (basically vit B6) in my nerves. He had my blood graphs up on the monitor, there was my pre chemo chart (I felt like showing him the period on period graphs I'd done for the first lot of chemo) with lovely tall columns of green. Above it was my results from two weeks ago - mostly red - i.e. in the danger zone with a couple just a few mm high so obviously I scraped through for chemo number three and I'm now wondering if chemo 4 will be stalled? Despite hating the stuff I don't want to delay treatment, I want to be off chemo by Christmas! I am NOT looking forward to the pain of my nerves growing back in January to March but the sooner this is over the better. I visited the path lab and the lovely nurse I saw last time, didn't even feel the needle go in, but I did feel it as the blood was spurting into the phials. Yet again no bruise - she's my favourite vampire! She said I looked like it was taking it out of me, the Lone Ranger said I didn't look the same so I'm thinking maybe I look as crap as I feel, which is reassuring. I'm quite sick of people telling me how good I look - I feel AWFUL most of the time. The weakness is the worst, trying to get lids of things. A year ago I was tired, very tired but I could still lift things and get amongst the weeds with a fork. A few minutes of weeding and I'm done in and breathless these days. I think the red cells may have taken a battering and anaemia is creeping in. Fingers crossed I won't need another transfusion, I'm conscious of my blood debt - donated 5 units, received 4. I like to stay in credit and I can't give any more back. Doing a mental white cell mojo dance too - don't want to end up in isolation like some other bandits. Oh and on a more cheery note, kitten is now called Skittles. It's the most suitable name I can come up with though I really did like a couple of other names it has to suit him!

2007 Aug 29th - I Hate Chemo

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

I can almost hear the chemo whispering in the bushes.... Category: Life I'm supposed to be having chemo number 4/12 on Monday and already I'm dreading it, not least because I still get spazzy hands and feet and face if the temperature drops enough - good reason to stay in bed though! Saw my lovely surgeon Mr A yesterday. I couldn't find my appointment card but knew it was 12 something ........maybe 12.45.......? Rather than ring up I thought I'd make a day of it (free parking in the private car park, or with my disabled badge - wouldn't you? No...? Just me then.) I arrived at 12 just to check in - I was right it was 12.45 so I wandered off down to the restaurant for a veggie lasagne and black weak tea - I was feeling weak and a bit wobbly so couldn't face cowjuice. The lasagne was disappointing - it was peas, sweetcorn, diced carrots. I was expecting aubergine, courgette and tomatoes . I don't know why (well I think I do actually but won't go into that just now) but I was sat staring at the Mental Health Unit and got all teary. Also because the whole hospital means bad things right now, although Mr A has only really given me good news, despite being the confirmer of my diagnosis he had a plan and I knew he was the man for the job. Plus I knew it was cancer before he said the words so it didn't count. To balance the gloom there was a seriously cute baby boy in a high chair. He was with (I'm guessing here obiously) his mum and his grandma. His gran opened his sandwiches (like me she took home made food for the baby not that horrid muck in jars which my kids never liked on the odd emergency occassion) and offered him a finger shaped sandwich, so he vey gently opened his mouth. She was trying to get him to hold it himself but he was feeling like some pampering I think. They laughed, the nurses on the next table laughed, I laughed. The baby boys eyes opened even wider and he smiled. The same thing happened three times before he eventually grasped the food in his little hand. Faith in life being a precious and happy thing restored I shelved my tray and returned to the Bostonian. The younger receptionist was going through checking where Mr A was in his list...she said "I know Lisa...........are you Mr X?" to the other chap in the waiting room. I asked if that meant I'd been there too often since she knew me by sight. The reply was "Oh you're family now Lisa!" which made me feel all sort of happy in a weird way. I told her she'll be seeing me for at least another year yet! Mr A always comes out to greet his patients, which is just the sort of professional but caring chap he is. He told me what I was dreading, but expecting - he needed to check my wounds external AND internal . Not much to check on my tummy - it's a great scar as they go, I have an extra bellybutton now (well it looks like that) but it's a neat job. Assume the position (kissed my knees) and remember the antenatal classes - they came in handy for stitch removal. The nurse had a reassuring (restraining?) hand on my shoulder as the old digital exam took place and I said OW .........a lot. Now I wasn't looking forward to it, but still hoped it wouln't hurt THAT much. I know where he was feeling was where I had a whole organ removed together with the surrounding mass of fatty tissue. I know that in it's place is a J shaped wiggle of carefully stitched "neo rectum" created from some of my colon to try and give me some quality of life in the future. I know that joining the rectal stump and my colon is row upon row of tiny staples. I also know a few of fallen out. I did not know how much it would bloody hurt! After that it was up to me if I had the scope (in for a penny.....) oh bejesus why did I agree to that? I'd forgotten about the air they have to inflate you with () it felt like I was going to be ripped open . After MUCH exhaling slowly to avoid tensing up even more they stopped. Not sure what he saw and I didn't ask. I rarely ask him anything, I just trust him to tell me anything I do need to know. I see him again in 3 months - not a moment too soon. I told him how horrid the chemo was and that I'm seeing an oncologist this week before having any more, that I don't see how I can possibly manage 12 cycles at this point. If I had neuropathy from the first session so badly I think I'm really heading for permanent nerve damage. (Oh yes folks the side effects CAN be pemanent - as will anything cancer related there are NO guarantees or promises). He asked me to take as much chemo as I can and to take care of myself. Now when the head honcho and colorectal surgeon tells you to take the chemo it means he knows you should take the chemo. It means he's basing his advice on decades of experience. Most of his patients are 30 years older than me and will some will die from other health problems before cancer recurrence gets them. One of the friendliest nurses when I was incarcerated had breast cancer 9 years ago. She was one of the few people I offloaded my true fears on, she knows how it is. She knows people who have had a recurrence from breast cancer after 22 years. We both know we'll always have a shadow following us - but it's mind over matter whether you stay in it's shadow. I'm trying to stay in the sunshine! If I can get through the next two years without any shadows on my scans maybe I can chill out a bit more, that's when colorectal cancer usually comes out of hiding to bite you on the proverbial again. Like I said I was making a day of it so after shaking Mr A's hand I went to the chemo suite to check on my appointment re EVIL CHEMO side effects. An appointment hadn't been made (I had a suspicion because it was fairly manic last time) but has now. While I was there I had my line flushed leaving me all day today to erm.......do absolutely nothing! The house is a mess, my room is the worst and I just can't do anything about it. My MacMillan nurse said someone described the lethargy that accompanies chemotherapy as a really heavy quilt that they just couldn't push off them. Oh well maybe I'll make the kids help after dinner......... 16:29 - 4 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

	Umpalumpa	Kim/Aggy at your service friday PM should you require assistance m'lady...................... xxxxxx Posted by Umpalumpa on Wednesday, August 29, 2007 at 19:13 [Remove] [Reply to this]

	Lisa Left Eye Loopylalalalala	Hehe, I might have discovered my cleaning mojo by then.......I'll iron, you vacuum! It's bound to need doing again by then.........and then we can have a nice mug of chai! Posted by Lisa Left Eye Loopylalalalala on Wednesday, August 29, 2007 at 19:23 [Remove] [Reply to this]

Umpalumpa

Have bought some chai today - yum, yum, little pigs bum................... Posted by Umpalumpa on Wednesday, August 29, 2007 at 19:31

2007 Aug 10th - Side Effects

Friday, August 10, 2007

OOOO LOOK! A two nosed dog! Xingu is said to be intelligent and fond of salty biscuits..........erm I consider myself fairly intelligent and I too am fond of salty biscuits...........cripes I'd better check the mirror in case I've got two noses! Maybe it's another weird side effect of chemo . I think I'm feeling better today - trawling the BBC website for interesting stories is not the behaviour of a sick person is it? Hands froze up this morning because I used a Simple face wipe - it was cold. Feet behaving MOST of the time unless I go upstairs.........which I had to rush to do a few minutes ago - my stupid bottom forgets it's redundant and gives me "urges". I also seem to have some minor blockage going on above my stoma which is causing some twinges of discomfort, drinking plenty of hot peppermint tea in the hope to avoid hospital..........always something isn't there? I don't feel sick today, in fact I've forgotten to take tablets so hopefully I won't need them! Prevention better than cure with those things. 15:08 - 6 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

	Peter	I've scrutinized that picture of you and I can assure you you've only got one nose. I've been following your chemo blogs but haven't commented because, to be quite honest, I feel like an ignoramus when it comes to your problems. Peter Posted by Peter on Friday, August 10, 2007 at 15:33 [Remove] [Reply to this]

	Lisa Left Eye Loopylalalalala	As my company MD would say, we don't have problems, we have challenges! I do however feel like my life has been one long glorified Krypton factor..........! If only I was unique, sadly I'm not, still, I checked out my survival rates again today by age of diagnosis - more like 60% than the average 39% but probably nearer 50%. Lies, damn lies, and hope robbing statistics - the analyst in me knows why I should ignore them all. Posted by Lisa Left Eye Loopylalalalala on Friday, August 10, 2007 at 15:58 [Remove] [Reply to this]

	Billy Bollockchops	But how does it smell! ...I'll get my coat. Posted by Billy Bollockchops on Friday, August 10, 2007 at 15:48 [Remove] [Reply to this]

	Lisa Left Eye Loopylalalalala	Fnar, Fnar! Posted by Lisa Left Eye Loopylalalalala on Friday, August 10, 2007 at 15:55 [Remove] [Reply to this]

	Bec	That is the coolest, and at the same time the weirdest thing I have ever seen!!! Off to check out my snout right now... Posted by Bec on Tuesday, August 14, 2007 at 13:23 [Remove] [Reply to this]

Lisa Left Eye Loopylalalalala

Isn't it, I have a pic of another two nosed dog, but that one was cuter, Mrs Bandit. Posted by Lisa Left Eye Loopylalalalala on Tuesday, August 14, 2007 at 22:26