2007 Dec 21st - Feeling Better! Looking Forward...

Friday, December 21, 2007

Ho Ho Ho Category: Life Hmmm. I've not got much to say for myself lately have I? Chemo all done, still waiting for a follow up oncology appointment to discuss where I go from here with regard to checking for new tumours that the evil chemo cocktails may have missed. Instead I get Christmas cards and parcels and nice things, can't complain really! I was thinking about looking back over recent blogs and trying to pinpoint exactly when and what combination of events triggered the recent upturn in my fortune and general mood. Then I decided - that would be silly, don't question it, just bask in it while it's here. So I am. I've finally been awarded the benefits I claimed for months ago and because I scrimped and saved during the months I was waiting for an outcome I'm reaping the rewards and so are the kids. They've never been spoiled by me at Christmas, or at any other time, but always got something they wanted. This year for the first time I can give them some presents and some cash and we're off on a jolly shopping trip in the county's capital to bag some bargains in the sales! I can't wait to come back loaded up with bags of clothes or whatever they decide to buy, that's the best bit about shopping - getting home with it all and spreading your goodies all over the living room/bed. 2007 wasn't all bad. I discovered who my real friends are, those who can cope in a crisis. I discovered that people you think really care about you sometimes remain selfish despite everything and that I don't need to allow people who have made and continue to make me unhappy into my life. Sounds simple but it's a big thing to get your head around when you're staring down the barrel of cancer's gun. Most importantly I've realised just how strong I am, and more surprisingly how strong my little Umpalumpa is. Some bonds just can't ever be broken, only strengthened and ours is one of them. I've said it before and I'll say it again - I LOVE YOU SIS AND THANK YOU. I've also made some fantastic new friends, brought together by a common disease. Never underestimate the power of shared pain, concern and goodwill. The support we've shared, and it has been shared I believe, must have helped with our recoveries I'm sure. Just knowing there are other people out there having sleepless nights, sharing your fears, hopes, concerns and thinking up the same questions. 18 months ago I ran the Race for Life in memory of June Urry. For most of the time since I've been running a different kind of race for my own life and mental health. Thanks to the Macmillan forums I've not had to run it alone. The Bum Bandits are always on the sidelines cheering me on, some of them have already reached the finish line and some are way behind me. Every so often someone takes a tumble and needs more than a little TLC to get up and carry on but it's always there, almost on tap. My children seem to have come through this year pretty well. There haven't been many tears, which has been a worry in case they've been bottling things up. I'm pretty sure that because I've been mostly gung ho about this whole cancer thing that they've either gone along with it by following my example or I've managed to play everything down sufficiently to allay their fears. I think Santa really did read my letter you know, because he sent me a very special early present on top of the magic blood results for my last chemo. It feels so good to smile. 15:51 - 9 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

	janey jane jane	HERE, HERE...a magical end to Christmas for you...may it continue for years to come. Love you lots cousin...xxxxx Posted by janey jane jane on Sunday, December 23, 2007 at 23:14 [Remove] [Reply to this]

	Lisa Left Eye Loopylalalalala	Yay! No Bah Humbugs from me this year - We'll be over to see you all VERY soon! xxx Posted by Lisa Left Eye Loopylalalalala on Sunday, December 23, 2007 at 23:19 [Remove] [Reply to this]

	Umpalumpa	I always read your blogs, and often feel 'teary eyed' but it's happy tears this time, happy because you didn't let evil Tyson get you down and happy because I have you in my life. I don't feel strong but agree totally about our bond, it's something i'll always treasure. I'm sooo proud of you Sis xxx P.S. Your pressie from Santa is fab!! Posted by Umpalumpa on Sunday, December 23, 2007 at 23:14 [Remove] [Reply to this]

	Lisa Left Eye Loopylalalalala	I don't think heroes think they're being brave, so just cos you don't feel strong doesn't matter ;o) Posted by Lisa Left Eye Loopylalalalala on Sunday, December 23, 2007 at 23:20 [Remove] [Reply to this]

	Caroline	Lisa - so happy that your smiling that beautiful smile hun - i'm certainly smiling with you. A very merry christmas to you and yours. Caz xx Posted by Caroline on Sunday, December 23, 2007 at 23:14 [Remove] [Reply to this]

	Lisa Left Eye Loopylalalalala	It's a long old journey Caz my friend but it's been made a lot easier having people like you along for the ride Hope to see you again soon in the New Year, meantime I'll be jealously imagining you sipping cocktails on a beach in the sun! xxx Posted by Lisa Left Eye Loopylalalalala on Sunday, December 23, 2007 at 23:23 [Remove] [Reply to this]

	carol	Now I feel all fuzzy and warm, good for you Lisa! Here's wishing you and everyone who is important to you a fantastic Christmas and a Happy New Year. Posted by carol on Sunday, December 23, 2007 at 23:15 [Remove] [Reply to this]

	Lisa Left Eye Loopylalalalala	Oh good! I'm pleased I finally managed to write something that makes people feel good and not sad! Jolly Seasons Greetings to you and yours too Carol xxx Posted by Lisa Left Eye Loopylalalalala on Sunday, December 23, 2007 at 23:22 [Remove] [Reply to this]

Mandy

So glad to hear that you're smiling at last, wishing you a fab Christmas and a brill New Year! Mandy x Posted by Mandy on Tuesday, December 25, 2007 at 12:51

2007 Dec 6th - Last chemo!

Thursday, December 06, 2007

And now.....the end is near....and so we reach .....the final CHEMO! Category: Life I feel like Arkwright at the end of an episode of "Open All Hours"........ It's been a funny old week. If it was a tarot reading the Death card would definitely be in it somewhere.........the end of one phase and the birth of a new one. Monday was Beating Bowel Cancer comedy night at the Comedy Store in Picadilly (London for all you northern cheeky monkeys, who think that's yellow stuff in a jar). I put on a frock, some legs, my new boots (superb bargain under £20 with more than a hint of FMB about them) and some jewellery. My hair underwent the GHD/After Party treatment and Beckie came by to take me to my final "am I fit enough for chemo" blood test .........or so I hoped. No stroppy women in pathology this time and then it was back home to await Thomas the Tank's stunt driver (Mike) who was moonlighting as our chauffeur to Laaaaahndan. Actually he was on the guest list, but stupidly volunteered to drive! In true grown up stylee I littered the entire journey with criticisms of Mike's driving (so he could taste married life without the expense of divorce) demanded we stop for a wee wee, food and whiny requests as to whether we were "there yet". Cockfosters for free parking (thank you blue badge), freezing cold train station and about a zillion stops later we arrived at Covent Garden.............not before having an emergency stop at Arnos Grove. Mike wanted to stop at Arsenal on account of I have Nil Arse (think about it) but my bag was about ready to explode, it was making me look like Sigourney Weaver, with hair and make up, in Alien. In desperation I flashed my "the bearer of this card has a medical condition.............needs to wear medical appliance........toilet............URGENT" card at a small, unchatty rail employee who silently unlocked the female staff toilet. Emergency averted........no bag contents running down my tights into my beautiful new boots! Back onto the tube, chilli con carne for me in the Garden (it's relevant it was red meat). Met Angela and headed for the venue. Firstly I spotted Faerie, hard not to she's got a mahoosive grin! A very teeny weeny umpalumpa sized Faerie she is too, hugs for her and a much healthier looking Caz than I expected!. Lizzy, another bum bandit, (s)mother and Katie from BBC. Managed not to cry, was quite keen on getting to the bar to be honest! Stupidly FORGOT to get photos which was just soooo dumb, but we all forgot so blaming the excitement! Faerie and Caz did their speeches without fluffing, falling off their high heels, the stage or any wardrobe disasters. I just about held back the tears and had a little sister hand to squeeze when it was hardest. Three beers, some wedges and dips, four comedians plus a very nice compere, later I was stuffing a MacDonalds down my face (more red meat) including a Festive Pie.........it was the beer alright? After picking up one of Mike's friends and her suitcase after her holiday we were at last on our way home, tired and weary but having all had a jolly good time. I got to bed at 2.49am........I arrived at the chemo suite Tuesday morning at 9.03am. After four paces into the chemo suite Lisa (the sister) said "You look gorgeous........don't go any further". Oh SHIT. Here we go again. My neutraphils were still at 1.3 as of Monday afternoon. Now considering the length of time and amount of injections I've needed to stay just above 1.5 we were all resigned to me failing the test after only a few hours. All was not lost though, onco Tom said if it was too low that was it NO MORE CHEMO for me, we'd just abandon the final one. After proclamations of love for Lisa, Tom and the entire nursing staff we trotted off to pathology again. Now by this point I was almost bouncing off the ceiling with excitement because it meant I could be spending the day with my "special chemo guest" without the evil drugs and WITHOUT the PICC line when my blood test came back at 1.4 or something. Lisa didn't change my dressing, expecting to be removing my PICC line. Ray appeared with the A4 white sheet containing my blood report........get this......... TWO POINT EFFING ONE!! Seriously! I thought he was winding me up.....or got someone else's results......after believing I was going home never having chemo again, to be told I was fitter than ever and would be having this one more treatment was very weird. The only conclusion we could come to was laughter, beer and red meat had bounced my bloods more than neupogen could, or maybe it was the excitement of meeting bum bandits, my special guest, being with the three people who have done the most for me this year (Beckie, Angela and Mike), the excitement of completing another round in the boxing championship against Tyson. Mad. Special guest arrived and swapped duties with Beckie, getting me tea and minstrels and generally making me laugh. Lisa had brushed her hair specially for the visit! Back home for take out pizza! Not recommended for chemo patients but I was riding high on the blood results and general good mood and company, and was too lazy to cook. Fast forwarding to today. I bought cakes for the nurses (two each) and sat and waited til they were ready. I didn't need a seat, just the bed! I gave Lisa a hug who seemed really small all of a sudden and she said she'll miss me. My eyes hurt a lot from the tears (stupid side effects). I promised to pop in and say hi whenever I was visiting for check ups. I took a couple of final photos of my right arm whilst I waited for Izzy which are in my Cancer Fings folder. Not knowing quite what to do next I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my special little sister for all she's done over these chemo months, not just the driving, I think that was the easy bit - we just had an excuse to sit around chatting and drinking tea. It was more for the support, the housework, the offers of help repeatedly even when I repeatedly turned them down until I gave in and admitted, yes I do need you. It was for the unlimited supply of chai and sympathy, the ironing, the child care and sounding board. A comparitively small gesture, a bouquet, an orange Options sachet each and a packet of hob nobs for her tea break at work, but it was all I could think of in the chemo fog. Feeling very sick today, a bit lonely but now I have a warm feeling where there was just a cool feeling of hope before. Slept a lot this afternoon and have that "I just swallowed a whole apple and it's stuck in my throat" feeling that won't go away, spazzy hands and dodgy vision that day three usually brings. I've missed a few bits out......but those of you who know what I'm talking about can always message me privately for gossip and details . I still find it hard to associate myself with cancer sometimes. Since I turned a corner mentally I don't feel like a patient and I've never felt like a victim but should I keep reminding myself I've been through some serious shit? Part of me wants to forget but another voice says, bury this at your peril cos it'll come back and bite you on the ass all the harder if you do. I'm sure I've said this before, but I'll say it again. I would rather go through my surgery again than chemo. It comes second to radiation, not least because I am still suffering from the damage from that, not to mention the menopause etc. With surgery you improve daily, maybe fall back a bit, but always in an upward trend. Chemo is a downward trend of ever decreasing peaks and ever increasing troughs. It saps the very will from your veins to do or think anything on a regular basis. Looking back I'm glad of the blood troubles I had now it's over, it meant I had additional recovery time and subsequent treatments didn't hit me as hard. The desperate lows I had in my hospital bed after I left critical care, where I couldn't eat, wouldn't eat, didn't care about the fact that I couldn't eat. I've had those on chemo. The tears of hopelessness about my new body, the unfit, unnatural one that replaced the relatively well cared for one I had before - had those on chemo. Lethargy, nausea, depression, cold sensitivity, leg pains, hip and knee pains, lack of balance, dehydration, poor nutrition, diarrhoea and leaky bags.........none of these things are condusive to excercise or maintaining muscle tone. But it's over, I am saying every mantra and doing every mojo dance in my head that I NEVER have to go through this again. I'm doing the same for all of you who are still in the middle of it or about to start. Hang in there. Chemo 19th February 2007 - 6th December 2007 RIP. 22:15 - 7 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

	Peter	True words. Love you more than ever. Posted by Peter on Friday, December 07, 2007 at 12:44 [Remove] [Reply to this]

	Lisa Left Eye Loopylalalalala	Oh Moley, Moley, Moley. How do you keep reducing me to tears with just a few small words. Hang in there. Love to Mrs Moley too xxx Posted by Lisa Left Eye Loopylalalalala on Saturday, December 08, 2007 at 00:29 [Remove] [Reply to this]

	Caroline	CONGRATULATIONS Lisa on finishing the wretched chemo! Well done hun its time to celebrate! It was so lovely meeting you at long long last on Monday - we didn't get much chance to have a natter, but at least I got to give you a hug. You look so amazing Lisa - your a very beautiful woman and your sure looking good and so well considering what your have been through! But then again, all of us are looking well! The inside is a different story, but we are all healing slowly but surely! The Comedy Store night was a real tonic and I've not laughed so much in a long time - it was the laughter that boosted your little cells my friend - cos I think they boosted mine! Felt very energised on Tuesday! LOL xx Posted by Caroline on Friday, December 07, 2007 at 12:45 [Remove] [Reply to this]

	Umpalumpa	*Eyes leaking......* I'm so proud of you Sis, you are amazing. x Posted by Umpalumpa on Saturday, December 08, 2007 at 00:18 [Remove] [Reply to this]

	Bad Fish	I laughed (especially about the experience of marriage without the cost of divorce bit), I cried, I cried again and then I nodded a bit ... congratulations and yah boo to that nasty chemo. Hopefully you'll be tasting everything as it should be by Christmas and things will only get better. Hugs and more hugs to you and Becs! Posted by Bad Fish on Monday, December 10, 2007 at 19:37 [Remove] [Reply to this]

	suze	bless you loopy - this is a very moving piece of writing. Thank-you for sharing it this way,and I send all the love in the world for a brighter future for you and hope for all us "patients" xxxxx Posted by suze on Thursday, January 17, 2008 at 00:20 [Remove] [Reply to this]

Lisa Left Eye Loopylalalalala

I'm such a twit Suze, just found this waiting to be approved in my in box - doh. And right back at you xxx Posted by Lisa Left Eye Loopylalalalala on Thursday, January 17, 2008 at 00:29

2007 Oct 8th - Well Enough To Be Poisoned!

Monday, October 08, 2007

Yeay! I’m well enough to be poisoned at last. Mmm chemo...mmm GCSF! Category: Life Well I was supposed to blog about Center Parcs but I've felt too rough to string a decent sentence together with my latest illness. Suffice to say we had a great time, very excited when we started seeing signs for Sherwood Forest and were doing little dances and punching the air (and waving to the other car). The swings were ACE, we felt obliged to send the kids off swimming for two hours "really, can we really stay for two hours mum? " whilst we tested all the park areas out. After the good news about my (fairly short lived) high of a score of 7 neutraphils I decided to ignore feeling tired and enjoy the fresh air. We did a lot of walking, maybe a little too much but still even being physically drained I struggled to sleep, thoughts churning round in my head as usual. We all had an ensuite bathroom in each of the three bedrooms - the boys even had a spa bath! The sauna didn't get used, but the oven, hob, dishwasher and shopping the Foundation delivered did! Friday night we all sat down for an italian, being of small appetite these days I only had a pizza and forced down an amaretto liqueur coffee, as did Bex. The kids all enjoyed their meals and it all tasted scrumptious! Saturday was facial day, soccer school for Luke and zip wire for Phin. The girls went to a cartoon workshop for a couple of hours. They all went swimming in the afternoon whilst we entertained our very special guest (who came armed with lovely presents!). Sunday the sore throat I had hoped was dehydration all weekend proved to be my worst day, but Pilates was excellent! We both want to take it up if funds allow since it's good for core strength and is OK for me to do with the ileostomy - in fact it's very good to help avoid hernias. More soccer school, wall climbing (I have Phin's exploits on camera) and a virtual fashion session for the girls who designed their own t-shirts. I got a bit crabby with the kids because I felt so rotten, but I think I got away with it and didn't upset anyone for long? We had a carvery which wasn't that great to be honest, the veg was very undercooked and maybe it was my cold but it was a bit of a let down - still the second bottle of fizzy booze Umpa packed and the chocolate for grown ups soon made up for that hehe. Monday was 3 steps to heaven day - back massage (and boy did everything ache and feel "glandy" by Monday) and scrub, facial, head massage. I'm not sure how I'd have driven home if I hadn't had that hour of indulgence - but when I did get home I went straight to bed and slept for two hours. Glad to be home but it was very quiet with three people missing. Tuesday - as you know was reject from chemo due to my sore throat and germs. Fast forward to today (lets just say retail therapy was necessary this weekend - including new bedding which is VERY pretty but also very expensive looking, yet not too girly). 11.30 appointment (oops hang on that means sis can't take me so I'm on my own with back up collection after she finishes work) and arrived only 5 minutes late. I managed to wave some eyeliner at my eyes but it didn't make them look any less red raw. Thankfully although I was still sounding a bit like a Tunes advert "secud clath rethurn thoo dothingham pleathe", my neutraphils were still holding out a 3.9, now my red cells are dropping a bit so keeping an eye on that.........I see a blood transfusion on the horizon, platelets however got a nice boost after the GCSF injections. I sat in the corner near one of my chemo mates who was very happy (never had bad blood results EVER) being connected to his 12th and final pump. Hopefully they will no be able to operate on his metastases in his liver and maybe remove the primary bowel cancer (he's stage 4). When they left, he and his wife both gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek and we wished each other well. I'm planning on making him an "I've been a good patient and finished all my nasty chemo" laminated badge tomorrow! In fact I'm going to make a few in case anyone else finishes while I'm still attending. He's going to sneak some vodka or gin in with my glucose IV on Wednesday when we go to be disconnected from our pumps - only three more to go after this one YEEHAH! Lisa (now at last promoted to sister) gave me my blood results to fill in the gaps in my chemo record book just in case I fall down in a faint or something and a stranger finds me or summat........... I'll be doing a little chart of my results because it's been a while since I did anything like analysis (try over 6 months) and I'm getting withdrawl symptoms from being a geek. I'm going to miss that ward. I shall be sooo happy not to need to go again (please please no recurrence needing crappy chemo ever) but they're like my cancer family in there. I rarely feel miserable in there because it's a place of hope. I still remember the tears when I finished chemo and radiation at Lincoln earlier this year - it was very emotional, not least because I knew I would never see John again. He didn't have long left, but you'd never know it to talk to him. Anyway...I even managed a shuffle round Aldi with the aid of a trolley to get some essential lunchbox items for the kids and some handy instant food for me this week. Already the spazzy hands have shown themselves, but in no way as bad as the first three cycles on full dosage. I think the B6 is helping with that too. I ate bacon, toast, fried tomatoes and some of aunty Susan's spiced plum chutney for lunch followed by a mouth numbing tirarmisu from the fridge (yep chemo mouth freeze strikes again). I feel very achey today, very glandy so can't really tell I'm on chemo because of the cold virus - a bonus in my eyes! Poor sis has it too - oops. So the diary for this week - Tuesday - Pobster cooking me dinner again or fetching a take out so we can wii to our hearts content, delivery permitting! Wednesday - hospital for disconnection Thursday - visit from Katy Friday - visit from district nurse for jab 1 of GCSF Saturday - visit from district nurse for jab 2 of GCSF Sunday - visit from district nurse for jab 3 of GCSF Phew thank heavens I'm incapacitated - I don't have time for work. P S - forgot to mention there is more green stuff weeping from my PICC site so this time I got swabbed for MRSA.......I know that's what the swab was because they shoved the black covered giant q-tip up my nose on admission prior to surgery! 18:57 - 4 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

	Billy Bollockchops	The Center Parcs pics are brilliant! My Wii is in the van apparently and I'm at home waiting for it. I hope it comes before I go out to meet Brek Abitochoklitov for lunch. PS: I'm still not sure what I'm making tonight :-.. Posted by Billy Bollockchops on Wednesday, October 10, 2007 at 11:10 [Remove] [Reply to this]

	Umpalumpa	*sneezes very loudly* Cor blimey, you are a busy bee. Would there be a slot in your diary perhaps for a yummy chai latte and grown ups chocolate with no less than 85% cocoa solids mmmmm? Hope the chemo mouth/fingers/legs are not giving you too much grief. xxxxxx xxxx xx x *sneezes even louder* Posted by Umpalumpa on Wednesday, October 10, 2007 at 11:10 [Remove] [Reply to this]

	janey jane jane	Ask Pob where he got his Wii from. I can't get one for love nor money over here. Tar lovey xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Posted by janey jane jane on Monday, October 15, 2007 at 23:22 [Remove] [Reply to this]

Lisa Left Eye Loopylalalalala

I think you'll find it was I who solved this problem for him hahaaha! I am a total genius, he was traipsing round shops and I surfed the net. I'll message you privately because I want one and I think I know someone else ..........so we could combine postage maybe? Posted by Lisa Left Eye Loopylalalalala on Monday, October 15, 2007 at 23:33