2007 Nov 17th - Chemo Round 2 No 7

Saturday, November 17, 2007

What a slacker.......... Category: Life Oh I say, I've been really lazy about this blogging malarky haven't I? I think Santa may have got my note because despite my neutraphil count being only 1.3 on the Friday they somehow got up to 1.6 on the Monday!! Woohoo! Chemo number 7 full steam ahead. However I was desperately tired having been awake from 3.30pm on the Sunday and just wanted to sleep. Tough luck. I managed to sit myself next to a poor old chap who had enjoyed good health his entire life only to end up with leukaemia and then have a stroke mid treatment. To be fair apart from the fogginess and memory loss he was doing really well, no paralysis or speech trouble, unlike one of my bowel cancer buddues who had a stroke on the operating table, then got lung problems on top of being stage 4 and was looking pretty grim for a while. (If you or Sandra are reading this Dave, a big High Five for hanging in there and coming out the other side). He was in a total fog and asked me the same questions about 6 times. It's not an easy thing to reassure someone in a worse state than you when you are on the verge of madness through lack of sleep. Every time I closed my eyes to try and doze, he asked me again, "How often do I come here love?". Tuesday I saw my lovely surgeon (now by lovely I do not mean the marrying kind, he's just a bloody good surgeon and he saved my life). More agonising examinations......grr I wish I didn't know how big those rigid sigmoidoscopes are.......just the thought of it makes me clench. He couldn't see enough due to the pain (and my cries of OW were probably putting him off) so is going to do a flexible sigmoidoscopy under sedation in the new year. I have had one without sedation but given my radiation damage it's too painful now. Of course given that my sisters seem to be immune to sedation I'm not looking forward to that either! If everything looks OK and has healed properly then I should get my reversal sometime from March onwards. Five days in hospital and then about 3 weeks in the toilet (must redecorate them both as a priority) and oh bugger - I get my body AND my life back......... What the hell am I going to do then? Well firstly I'm going to have to start applying for jobs closer to home now. I need to find an employer who doesn't mind the fact that I'm going off sick for four weeks minimum in March............end of the financial year.......hmmm. Busy period for most businesses. Of course you'd think I'd consider going back to my current job - firstly no-one has bothered to tell me what the hell I can do IF I go back. My seconded job has ended, my desk no longer exists. My job prior to secondment a year ago has been subject to re-organisation and no longer exists. Add to that, I haven't been there since February and have probably forgotten how to use our systems. Oh and the thought of driving for an hour each way with an unpredictable rear end doesn't fill me with excitement. My best friend, both at work and outside work is out in the field following promotion and a lot of good people have been made redundant or left in my absence. I'd love to be made redundant. Just this one time. I've done the trekking down to London to hot desk down Shaftesbury Avenue at Performance offices where you can just plug your ipod into the sound system that filters music into to the office all day. I've done being out of the house for 13 hours just to complete a 7.5 hour working day and frankly it sucks. I spent 7 years working my way around the company to get a job I loved, was good at and wasn't phased by meetings with directors because they knew me by name. My half pay is probably all I'd get locally for doing a full working week! But it's all relative. I've been working since I was 14 (part time then obviously) apart from the 5 years I took off to be with my babies. Thanks to insurance my mortgage is now much smaller so I can afford a drop in income. This is the first year I've ever claimed Tax Credits and am frankly stunned that I qualified on what I thought was a bloody good salary for additional pay outs. I just want something easy with a small friendly firm, close to home or schools which covers the mortgage, the bills, fuel and food with a little left over. Which is exactly where I was before but I had a bigger mortgage! Weird thing is, now I know I'll still get tax credits to top me up to over the income I was earning before..........so I feel guilty if I accept them because I've always managed without benefits since I was 18. Then I think about the hoardes who never bother to work at all. I think about the hard graft I've put in working 7 days a week, or 5 days and one night shift a week (I'm practised at staying awake for over 30 hours at a time and still feeding children, doing laundry etc). I think about all the prescription charges I paid for when I was entitled to an exemption and I think SOD IT. I got cancer, I dragged myself through it with a lot of help mostly from my little Umpalumpa and three very good friends (Angela, Hayley and Mike). I've earned the right to take what's on offer for the next year or two aren't I? More importantly my children have earned the right to see their mother recovering and NOT being away from home. The thought that I may now be able to take them to school, fetch them home with a bit of work in the middle is keeping me going. Once I've got some energy back and am not bedridden by lethargy, pain and side effects. Next year is suddenly looking a hell of a lot better. Meantime, I've got to jab myself in the belly with the GCSF - little soldier cells just have to fight their way through to 26th November so I can have a party on the 28th when hopefully the 53cm spaghetti will get ripped out of my arm! WOO.....AND INDEED....HOO! Please keep them crossed people xxxx 13:49 - 4 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

	Mandy	Great to hear from you Lisa, Having a laugh at the thought of you re-decorating the toilet and the hospital though (sorry)! Fingers crossed the next chemo runs to time, I know how good it feels to finish before Christmas, as that's what happened to me last year. Take care Mandy x Posted by Mandy on Sunday, November 18, 2007 at 22:47 [Remove] [Reply to this]

	Peter	They're all crossed for you. Posted by Peter on Sunday, November 18, 2007 at 22:47 [Remove] [Reply to this]

	Bad Fish	I sympathise with the work thing - I can't bear the thought of going back to work in London - 3 hour daily commute - and not having been there since February either, I'm not sure what I'll be facing. Some of my friends have left too ... Got an e-mail from one of my bosses yesterday evening asking when I was coming back. Er - next year do? I was laughing at Peter Hain's interview on the Today programme this morning about Inacapacity Benefit: 'it's not what people can't do, it's what they can do. Can they sit in front of a TV screen, sorry, PC with a mouse'. Well Pete I can, but I can't type properly, I can't grip competently either (so no lifting) and I don't want to travel for an hour and a half with a bunch of morons on a train to not do it. Posted by Bad Fish on Tuesday, November 20, 2007 at 17:53 [Remove] [Reply to this]

Umpalumpa

Fingies and toes crossed, champagne on ice xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Posted by Umpalumpa on Tuesday, November 20, 2007 at 17:53

2007 Nov 5th - Dear Santa

Monday, November 05, 2007

Dear Santa......... Category: Life I am putting my request in early since I was rather disappointed with my main present this year. I went to see my GP and all he gave me were yet more drugs made from horses wee - in the form of HRT. Now I don't wish to sound ungrateful but a girl likes to feel special on her birthday an not like a shrivelled up old barren hag. Anyway, I digress...........could you possibly see to it that my neutraphils magic themselves up above the required 1.5 level because today the nice lady nurse told me I couldn't have the lovely chemo-cocktail that is Folfox. The poor little lambs only came in at 1.1 and basically, I've been here before. I have been a good girl and injected my poor patchwork tummy with the hurty GCSF injections (kind of like sending Vera Lynn to cheer up the troops and jolly them up a bit) but they don't seem to be working. I even went and had a flu jab on Friday instead of staying in bed all day again. If you could possibly get the elves to knock up a few neutraphil soldier cells for me in the workshop just a few weeks early, I'll be eternally grateful - or at least until I shuffle off this mortal coil from OLD AGE if I have a say in the matter. I promise not to over work them and will take good care of them but I'd really like to spend Christmas not feeling like I've been hit by a truck, then reversed over again with a 53cm tube shoved in my arm - it ruins the photos to have a lumpy bandage and dressing. I spent last Christmas trying not to tell anyone I had cancer, even though I already knew I did a few weeks before - I don't want my friends and family to have to see me pushing food around my plate because it all tastes of lard (yes Badfish, spot on) and I feel sick. It's not for me, I personally don't mind the weight loss at this time of year, but I think my kids and my little sis have had enough. My son cried buckets only last week because he "doesn't want me to be ill any more". I cried too, because I don't want him to see me being ill and it's too hard to pretend I'm not. Then the crying continued because, as you know it BLOODY HURTS to cry thanks to the side effects of the chemo. Sorry I'm rambling but I haven't written you a note since my children were babies and couldn't write very well themselves so figured I owed you a few words. I'll leave the good brandy out this year but I'm not sure I can stretch to XO, hope you don't mind. Lots of love Lisa xxx 22:40 - 4 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

	Umpalumpa	Now listen young lady......... *stands on chair so taller than you* I think I can speak for all your close friends/family when I say that we just want you better. I completely understand you being fed up, this has been such a long time for you. I know I can't wave a magic wand and make it all better but I will be there no matter how long it takes, (with chai latte of course) OK????????????? Posted by Umpalumpa on Wednesday, November 07, 2007 at 02:44 [Remove] [Reply to this]

	Lisa Left Eye Loopylalalalala	Um yes miss...........but I still want to finish chemo before Crimbo! Posted by Lisa Left Eye Loopylalalalala on Wednesday, November 07, 2007 at 15:12 [Remove] [Reply to this]

	Donna	Dear Santa I will be quite happy to give up the lovely shiny ring that I want so you can put the extra elves onto Lisa's request. It is a very pretty ring but I feel that her need is greater than mine and I haven't really been *that* good this year ;) Kind regards to you and the missus Donna Posted by Donna on Wednesday, November 07, 2007 at 02:46 [Remove] [Reply to this]

Lisa Left Eye Loopylalalalala

That's such a lovely generous offer Jazzy! I think you should get the pretty shiny ring just for offering to give it up! Posted by Lisa Left Eye Loopylalalalala on Wednesday, November 07, 2007 at 15:17

2007 Octo 14th - Chemo & CID

Sunday, October 14, 2007

All aboard the good ship chemo....and MORE C.I.bloody D Category: Life This flipping GCSF malarkey is good but it's damn painful. Cancer Vixen was right, it really does feel like you've been injected with cement which slowly goes off. This time as well as the heavy pounding nauseating skull, neck, spine pain and rib pains (they are much milder this time round) I've got parasthesia.........I think that's right.....anyway it's prickling skin. I say prickling skin, it's like saying "chemo is a little unpleasant". Randomly, with no warning my entire back from shoulders to pelvis it feels as though I'm being whipped with stinging nettles. I have the deep muscle flu like symptoms too, but then I STILL have a flipping cold so it's hard to tell what condition or treatment is causing which symptom. Obviously it came as a bit of a shock to get a phone call from the Job Centre asking me to attend a work related interview..........WTF? I asked how easy she thought it would be to find me a job bearing in mind I have to to to hospital at least twice a week, have three injections every fortnight, be too ill to shower, walk, drive for a few days every fortnight etc......oh and about to face surgery in three months which could take two months recovery. She said she didn't know about the cancer, just that I had been awarded Incapacity Benefit. I then reminded her I have a job........would my employer not be a little upset if I went for other jobs whilst their insurance is giving me private surgical treatment and half pay? Perhaps they could help me with training needs, she suggested, but I must attend an interview, although she'd talk to her boss. Training needs? Train me to do WHAT exactly? Work well and gain bonuses and good pay rises every year for the last 7 years? Doh I did that all on my own ta very much. I got a 20 page booklet to complete regarding the details of my "incapacity". For the love of small children, how many times do my GP, surgeon and oncologist have to tell people "I HAD BLOODY CANCER UP MY ARSE AND I'M TRYING TO KILL IT OFF FOR GOOD, EXCUSE ME WHILE I TRY NOT TO DIE OF FRUSTRATION". That feels a bit better. Katy came over to see me on Thursday and we both realised since redundancy and ill health have kept us from the office, we don't miss it one jot. The people - yes, work NO. Even the lack of free copies of Heat, Closer and Grazia aren't enough to make me wish I was there (good job I kept that snippet of gossip from the job centre woman eh?). She offered to do my ironing (too ashamed of the mountain to take her up on that offer) but ended up emptying the rank kitten and rabbit litter trays. At least she has a cat at home! I did wave the hoover round the carpet and provide a comedy lunch consisting of toast, parma ham, cheese and a side order of 15p Aldi instant noodles. Has it really come to this? Gone are the days, albeit temporarily, that I whip up a tasty salad with herbs from the garden drizzled with balsamic vinegar and chilli oil. It's all hands on deck, eat whatever you can find that is palatable! Friday afternoon I fell asleep on the sofa under a blanket for an hour waiting for Pobster to arrive to prepare culinary delights and deliver a shipment of "sex chocolate" from Donna (fab tattoos, lovely slip of a girl who gave me Skittles). It was daylight when I lay down (a few hours after nursey stabbed me with GCSF), pitch black when the doorbell rang. I was, once again an appalling host. He brings the food, prepares the food, cooks the food and generally I eat at least half the food. This time I had a child's portion and had a proper one in the fridge to eat on Saturday. Saturday the nurse arrived before 10. I awoke to the phone asking for directions....ridiculously my road is a few yards from one called exactly the same but with an 's' on the end. Even more hilariously there is another house down my road with exactly the same name....what kind of halfwit councillor signed that off? After going back to bed for all of 10 minutes the doorbell went again and I heard the world's worst detective tell my 12 year old son he wanted to talk to me about the whereabouts of S**** W*****. The one who buggered off to join the Foreign Legion, remember him? See blog somtime in January I think...... I came downstairs looking seriously pissed off (I was) and he asked if I remembered him. Yes I said and I told you then I want nothing to do with him, he doesn't live her, I don't know where he is, I don't care. He reckoned I refused to talk to him last time..........erm no I didn't I divulged a couple of facts ACTUALLY and answered approximately TEN questions AND reminded him I had bloody cancer and am still having treatment an DO NOT NEED STRESS. My neutraphils can't cope with it. I also told him off for not showing me his ID card when I answered the door. He was chuntering about showing it last time...........as he shuffled off to his car, whingey whiner. I went back to bed only coming down for Pob's "meals on wheels" and the odd drink........and toilet visit.........and more tissues to blow my nose. It was a very tiring day. Sunday, more of the same, evil jab in the morning, nice chat with nursey. Offered me more help aroud the house, shopping etc through the local hospice. I told her, I know I may be foolish but I can't help thinking that I can cope and there are so many people worse off, that I like to think I'll forfeit my share for one of those. I can't even let my friends do my ironing for heaven's sake! I never accepted a home help when I qualified through ill health 11 years ago. Mind you I was made to be independent and learned from an early age that if you want anything doing, you have to do it yourself an it's a hard lesson to shake off. I have won a few poker tournaments..........I say won, I came second and third more than once and won prize chips! Woohoo! I need to get off this sofa and this borrowed laptop (oh yeah mine broke weeks ago and they STILL haven't collected it to fix) and go to bed but I can't really be bothered with the nauseating pains I get 22:20 - 5 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

	Peter	I'm sorry you're feeling so bloody and there's nothing I can do to help. Posted by Peter on Monday, October 15, 2007 at 12:27 [Remove] [Reply to this]

	Billy Bollockchops	It was fab to see you as always :-) xxxxxxxx Posted by Billy Bollockchops on Monday, October 15, 2007 at 23:21 [Remove] [Reply to this]

	Caroline	Hmmm - JCPlus - back to work interviews! LOL - just love it - had the same prob back in June and July! I had to do by telephone! After that they sent me a whole booklet form to complete on health questions! They offered me training too t0- help get me back to work! Jesus - do they really think we need their help! No I don't and nor do you Lisa! Cos the of Incapacity Benefit they have to do this tho, but its a complete waste of our time! Sorry your suffering so much with side effects and everything - totally relate to what your going through! Just take it easy babes and rest as much as you need too! Other things happening too and you sure can do with them! It'as enough to deal with this proxy cancer! Thinking of you each day and all our other bandits too. Take care Caz x Posted by Caroline on Monday, October 15, 2007 at 23:29 [Remove] [Reply to this]

	Bad Fish	Oh, sweetie- you have my complete sympathy. Since my chemo finished (unlike Alan Bennett I think I know it well enough to shorten it's name) I've felt as bad as I did whilst having it, and boy, that's pretty crap! Someone said to me last week "You look really well - I wouldn't have known you've been ill". Well, they may have meant it as a compliment, but believe me, I didn't always have a fat head and hair like a newly hatched chick. I still look in the mirror and wonder who the tub of lard is. Posted by Bad Fish on Monday, October 29, 2007 at 00:17 [Remove] [Reply to this]

Lisa Left Eye Loopylalalalala

I try to avoid mirrors at all costs, the life appears to have drained from any muscles I had and it's not so much lard as dripping... i.e. much sloppier, especially my thighs. Send us a pic of your chick hair love, I could have knitted myself a wig with the hairs that have fallen out so far! Posted by Lisa Left Eye Loopylalalalala on Monday, October 29, 2007 at 15:51

2007 Oct 8th - Well Enough To Be Poisoned!

Monday, October 08, 2007

Yeay! I’m well enough to be poisoned at last. Mmm chemo...mmm GCSF! Category: Life Well I was supposed to blog about Center Parcs but I've felt too rough to string a decent sentence together with my latest illness. Suffice to say we had a great time, very excited when we started seeing signs for Sherwood Forest and were doing little dances and punching the air (and waving to the other car). The swings were ACE, we felt obliged to send the kids off swimming for two hours "really, can we really stay for two hours mum? " whilst we tested all the park areas out. After the good news about my (fairly short lived) high of a score of 7 neutraphils I decided to ignore feeling tired and enjoy the fresh air. We did a lot of walking, maybe a little too much but still even being physically drained I struggled to sleep, thoughts churning round in my head as usual. We all had an ensuite bathroom in each of the three bedrooms - the boys even had a spa bath! The sauna didn't get used, but the oven, hob, dishwasher and shopping the Foundation delivered did! Friday night we all sat down for an italian, being of small appetite these days I only had a pizza and forced down an amaretto liqueur coffee, as did Bex. The kids all enjoyed their meals and it all tasted scrumptious! Saturday was facial day, soccer school for Luke and zip wire for Phin. The girls went to a cartoon workshop for a couple of hours. They all went swimming in the afternoon whilst we entertained our very special guest (who came armed with lovely presents!). Sunday the sore throat I had hoped was dehydration all weekend proved to be my worst day, but Pilates was excellent! We both want to take it up if funds allow since it's good for core strength and is OK for me to do with the ileostomy - in fact it's very good to help avoid hernias. More soccer school, wall climbing (I have Phin's exploits on camera) and a virtual fashion session for the girls who designed their own t-shirts. I got a bit crabby with the kids because I felt so rotten, but I think I got away with it and didn't upset anyone for long? We had a carvery which wasn't that great to be honest, the veg was very undercooked and maybe it was my cold but it was a bit of a let down - still the second bottle of fizzy booze Umpa packed and the chocolate for grown ups soon made up for that hehe. Monday was 3 steps to heaven day - back massage (and boy did everything ache and feel "glandy" by Monday) and scrub, facial, head massage. I'm not sure how I'd have driven home if I hadn't had that hour of indulgence - but when I did get home I went straight to bed and slept for two hours. Glad to be home but it was very quiet with three people missing. Tuesday - as you know was reject from chemo due to my sore throat and germs. Fast forward to today (lets just say retail therapy was necessary this weekend - including new bedding which is VERY pretty but also very expensive looking, yet not too girly). 11.30 appointment (oops hang on that means sis can't take me so I'm on my own with back up collection after she finishes work) and arrived only 5 minutes late. I managed to wave some eyeliner at my eyes but it didn't make them look any less red raw. Thankfully although I was still sounding a bit like a Tunes advert "secud clath rethurn thoo dothingham pleathe", my neutraphils were still holding out a 3.9, now my red cells are dropping a bit so keeping an eye on that.........I see a blood transfusion on the horizon, platelets however got a nice boost after the GCSF injections. I sat in the corner near one of my chemo mates who was very happy (never had bad blood results EVER) being connected to his 12th and final pump. Hopefully they will no be able to operate on his metastases in his liver and maybe remove the primary bowel cancer (he's stage 4). When they left, he and his wife both gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek and we wished each other well. I'm planning on making him an "I've been a good patient and finished all my nasty chemo" laminated badge tomorrow! In fact I'm going to make a few in case anyone else finishes while I'm still attending. He's going to sneak some vodka or gin in with my glucose IV on Wednesday when we go to be disconnected from our pumps - only three more to go after this one YEEHAH! Lisa (now at last promoted to sister) gave me my blood results to fill in the gaps in my chemo record book just in case I fall down in a faint or something and a stranger finds me or summat........... I'll be doing a little chart of my results because it's been a while since I did anything like analysis (try over 6 months) and I'm getting withdrawl symptoms from being a geek. I'm going to miss that ward. I shall be sooo happy not to need to go again (please please no recurrence needing crappy chemo ever) but they're like my cancer family in there. I rarely feel miserable in there because it's a place of hope. I still remember the tears when I finished chemo and radiation at Lincoln earlier this year - it was very emotional, not least because I knew I would never see John again. He didn't have long left, but you'd never know it to talk to him. Anyway...I even managed a shuffle round Aldi with the aid of a trolley to get some essential lunchbox items for the kids and some handy instant food for me this week. Already the spazzy hands have shown themselves, but in no way as bad as the first three cycles on full dosage. I think the B6 is helping with that too. I ate bacon, toast, fried tomatoes and some of aunty Susan's spiced plum chutney for lunch followed by a mouth numbing tirarmisu from the fridge (yep chemo mouth freeze strikes again). I feel very achey today, very glandy so can't really tell I'm on chemo because of the cold virus - a bonus in my eyes! Poor sis has it too - oops. So the diary for this week - Tuesday - Pobster cooking me dinner again or fetching a take out so we can wii to our hearts content, delivery permitting! Wednesday - hospital for disconnection Thursday - visit from Katy Friday - visit from district nurse for jab 1 of GCSF Saturday - visit from district nurse for jab 2 of GCSF Sunday - visit from district nurse for jab 3 of GCSF Phew thank heavens I'm incapacitated - I don't have time for work. P S - forgot to mention there is more green stuff weeping from my PICC site so this time I got swabbed for MRSA.......I know that's what the swab was because they shoved the black covered giant q-tip up my nose on admission prior to surgery! 18:57 - 4 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

	Billy Bollockchops	The Center Parcs pics are brilliant! My Wii is in the van apparently and I'm at home waiting for it. I hope it comes before I go out to meet Brek Abitochoklitov for lunch. PS: I'm still not sure what I'm making tonight :-.. Posted by Billy Bollockchops on Wednesday, October 10, 2007 at 11:10 [Remove] [Reply to this]

	Umpalumpa	*sneezes very loudly* Cor blimey, you are a busy bee. Would there be a slot in your diary perhaps for a yummy chai latte and grown ups chocolate with no less than 85% cocoa solids mmmmm? Hope the chemo mouth/fingers/legs are not giving you too much grief. xxxxxx xxxx xx x *sneezes even louder* Posted by Umpalumpa on Wednesday, October 10, 2007 at 11:10 [Remove] [Reply to this]

	janey jane jane	Ask Pob where he got his Wii from. I can't get one for love nor money over here. Tar lovey xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Posted by janey jane jane on Monday, October 15, 2007 at 23:22 [Remove] [Reply to this]

Lisa Left Eye Loopylalalalala

I think you'll find it was I who solved this problem for him hahaaha! I am a total genius, he was traipsing round shops and I surfed the net. I'll message you privately because I want one and I think I know someone else ..........so we could combine postage maybe? Posted by Lisa Left Eye Loopylalalalala on Monday, October 15, 2007 at 23:33